Angst, angsty, angstest.

Soren Kierkegaard used the word Angest to describe a profound and deep-seated spiritual condition of insecurity and despair in the free human being. Where the animal is a slave to its instincts but always confident in its own actions, Kierkegaard believed that the freedom given to mankind leaves the human in a constant fear of failing its responsibilities to God. Leaving aside the whole God thing (it'd be nice if everyone did) I think that Mr K missed the point- it's when we fail in our responsibilities to ourselves that angst gets a grip.. But that leaves the bigger question - who is it that we are failing exactly? I wear so many masks that I'm not sure who's underneath anymore. The business mask is one that I've put on, taken off, changed etc so many times that describing me as a *insert occupation here* is about as accurate as calling me an overcoat. Likewise, becoming a father and husband is something that I chose to do rather than chose to become - no-one becomes a husband because they see themselves as a husband, or a father. So that doesn't really describe me either. So what are the core beliefs or values that make me who I am? I'm still working on that one - maybe we're all too close to the subject to get it in proper focus, or maybe that's just an excuse not to peer into the darkness for fear of what might be lurking there.

Leaving aside the whole question of who I am, (yeah I know it's a cop out, but if I could answer that one in one short blogging session I'd be a freelance philosopher writing bestselling books).. the question remains as to what our responsibilities are to ourselves - bejaysus, this is turning into a sixth-form essay. A chance coversation in that great bastion of British Philosopy - the Pub, gave me a clue though. The PaintMonkey (for it was he) opined that it is the art (in it's widest sense) we leave behind us that defines a life)*.. which is a heavy obligation if 'tis so.

Very heavy.

*I may have got this wrong - we had been debating the eternal verities for a number of hours, and I was quite "tired" by the time we left the pub, which is probably why my head hurt this morning - over use.

Updates..

About time for more bloggage then. It's been a while - simply had too much going on to think about the blog... Lets bullet point the major developments in the world of Phineas.



n (Fish) = 1

Farewell to the Mighty Quins. I am the Death of fish.


Relatives visited = 1

Visited Mater in Scarborough - Therapies all completed now (radio and chemo) and looking better than before in a Judy Dench short-haired way. Boys hadn't seem "Grandma Seaside" for nearly a year as she didn't want to scare them while she looked like Skeletor's aunt... Weather was awful - north easterlies lashing in with hail and sleet - glad I never became a fisherman (despite 5 years of sea-training school).


Pirates voiced = 1

Easter day at Newby Hall came and went, with me being the voice of the animatronic Pirate Scarecrow. Yarr! Avast behind! etc. It was a nice day though - safe enough to let the boys go feral for a day - only saw then when they wanted food. Good people, good times.


Houses re-organised = 1

Finally got the computer out of the bedroom and into the living room, partly because boys will be using it more for homework etc, and despite parental controls being in place, it's nice to keep an eye on them. Bedroom seems more relaxing already.

Jobs = 0

Hmm... the Italians are still mulling things over, and the UK company likewise.

Moorings acquired = 1

Am really quite excited. The narrow boat will soon be ensconced in luverly new moorings at Apperley Bridge - half an hour away. It means that I'll at least get some use out of the damn thing. Only thing to do now is find out how to get it from the Avon up to Yorkshire... crew required....

Ooompah Loompas, Fish and Chips, and Milano

"Well, I'm back." As Sam Gamgee said. An odd journey all round. I don't really enjoy travelling alone - it's just one worry after another - if the train's late, i'll miss the airport shuttle. If I miss the airport shuttle I'll miss the plane, etc etc. This time it was Harrogate to Liverpool by public transport - a journey that actually cheered me up a lot when I realized that if I try very hard I may never have to go to Warrington again. Oh, and I saw an Ooompah Loompah in Warrington - not in stature, but exactly the right shade of cancer shop orange. I even started to hum the Ooompah Loompah song until I caught myself... Then it was Liverpool to Milan by Ryan Air. Gods know what visitors to the European city of culture 2008 must think when they fly in - the airport is surrounded by the most depressing looking seedy estates - or Liverpool as it's known (boom tish) But really - it's almost onto the "scary" end of the deprived sink estate scale.

Did I say I was flying to Milan? Well, Milan AREA. Bergamo airport is some 30 miles from Milan - good job I was being picked up. A full on day of meetings, 8am-6.30pm followed by traditional Italian cuisine - fish and chips. Really. Sort of fish and chips. Braised Sea Bass with Artichoke Hearts and sliced potato, with a side order of chips. Yum. With freshly made lemon sorbet for desert. Double yum. And a Sardinian liquer - Mirto - to finish off - all herby and Myrtle (y), but on first taste, remarkably like Sloe Gin. Yum and hic. Nice, simple, family run restaurant, which was a relief because Milan made me feel as if I was dressed by an east european cousin of Worzel Gummidge. Especially as I'd dressed for winter/spring and it was 21 degrees. Still, my Italian skills are improving, although exactly how useful the phrase "look at that badly dressed sweaty man!" will be in the future I don't know.

Then back to the airport, onto a plane to Leeds, onto the bus to Harrogate, into the car to pick up trouble in trousers times two from school.

Reports to write now...all subtitled "Why you should employ me as an obscenely well paid consultant". Fingers crossed.

Displacement Activity and Jam Tomorrow.

I really should be working. Even though I don't really feel that I've anything to say I'd rather be doing this. Hmm.. nothing to say. Nothing informative, nothing witty, nothing helpful, nothing interesting, nothing remarkable, nothing insightful, nothing helpful, nothing supportive, nothing creative, nothing wise, nothing comforting, nothing. That said, here I go anyway.

The setback earlier in the week has left an empty hole where my enthusiasm used to be. But fuck me, if you could eat jam tomorrow I'd be a fat bastard. It's all jam tomorrow. Someone said to me yesterday that I seem to be running around at a million miles per hour, with "projects" left right and centre, but don't seem to make any time for myself. "What do you do for fun?" I was asked. What indeed? I sat there like like a guppy - mouth opening and closing and nothing coming out. The question still stumps me. Not a happy thought. Things that I might call fun just seem to be things that allow me to switch my brain off for a time - either by immersion or oblivion. So that's the challenge. Have fun. Sounds easy huh? We'll see. I guess that having fun means crawling out of my shell again - I've distanced myself from friends lately, and without explaining to them exactly why it's hard not to make that seem like a cold rejection on my part. One of the troubles is that a lot of my friends are scattered to the four winds, and an occasional email doesn't really replace the craic that we used to have, and I'm touchy enough that a lack of response to an email gets me either paranoid that my mail isn't working, or puts me in a "fuck you then" mood. Meh.


On other fronts, had to deal with distraught little people yesterday - two of the fish have gone to that place where fish are eternally blessed. Caramel the goldfish - gone. And the Mighty Quins (White Cloud Minnows) are now the Fantastic Four. God knows why they died. For once, t'interweb doesn't seem to be much help - I think that I did all the right things. Who knows?

My hat is knocked off, but I put it on again.

Bit of a setback today - the game design that we've been working on for the last few months seem to be redundant... a major US publisher has just announced that they have what amounts to the exact same game in development. Bugger. It looks like we weren't the only other people to put 2 and 2 together and get 4. A real kick in the guts. We have other game designs in production, but this was the one that everyone agreed was going to be the money spinner. If I was feeling positive I'd say that the fact that the publisher has decided to develop the game vindicates our approach, and that there is always room for one more game in a new genre. That's what I would say if I was feeling positive, but it seems like my pessimism is vindicated more than anything else. The little voice inside is saying "See? SEE? I told you it'd all turn to shit."

So I have the rest of the week to stew on it..... let's see what I can pull out of the fire... other than burned fingers.

Time will tell

Moonie got out the Tarot Cards last night, after not touching them for over 10 years.... the last time she did a reading the results were way too accurate for comfort. I didn't ask her why, or why now - I trust her in these things. Time and time again I've been shown that the eldrich streak in her is real, so I went with the flow.... It was a fairly simple spread, one card to represent me, one for the past, one for the present, and one for the future. Before we started, Moonie said "Don't get freaked if you get the Death card, because I think that you will." Hmmm...

I'm not going to go into Moonie's interpretation, or mine, but it was very spooky..... the spread was as follows:

1st Card: The Chariot (Me)

Triumph over adversity, overcoming life's obstacles, decisiveness and ambition in achieving one's goals, well deserved victory. A period of struggle ending in worldly success. Self control, effort, perseverance. Working within the boundaries of one's life to build up a successful existence.

2nd Card: Death (The Past)

The beginning of a new life. As a result of underlying circumstances transformation and change. Major changes. The end of a phase in life which has served its purpose. Abrupt and complete change of circumstances, way of life and patterns of behaviour due to past events and actions. Alterations.

3rd Card: The Emperor (The Present)

Competitiveness, forcefulness in development and execution. Authority, structure, governmental and corporate identities. Worldly power, self control gained through experience. Ability to shoulder responsibility. Powerful individuals, ambition together with the possibility of long term achievement.

4th Card: The Lovers (The Future)

Harmony and union, choices to be made using intuition and not intellect. Difficult decisions to be made not necessarily about love. Some form of test and consideration about commitments. Abstract thought, internal harmony and union, second sight. Possibly a struggle between two paths

For those who follow such things - all of the cards were upright...

Do I believe? Not necessarily. Do I find it interesting? Yes. Am I slightly spooked? Definitely. Time will tell on this one...

*Images borrowed from www.paranormality.com

Small Victories..

Sometimes it's the little things that make you smile. Yesterday I decided to bin my subscription to Sky. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the little people, but that was to be expected. I have, in fact tried to cancel Sky before, but somehow when I put the phone down I was still a subscriber, albeit with a cheaper package. So this time I was fully expecting to get the full scripted sales job again. True to form, as soon as I mentioned cancelling my subscription I was transferred from Mumbai to Scotland, where a warm caledonian voice seemed genunely hurt that I wanted to leave. The script kicked in, and when I was asked why I was leaving I simply said that I was watching too much tv. Cue a slight pause "Er.. em.... ok then." Seems that this isn't a standard response covered by the scripts. Result.

Friday saw one cancelled meeting and one delayed meeting, resulting in much frustration. Frusration resulting in too much wine, resulting in a hangover on Saturday. Way to go.

But, in the spirit of "keep on keeping on" another meeting due this afternoon.. Sunday working - who'd have thought it?
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Well, meeting over and it finally looks like we've got a little traction with interesting developements coming out of left field... optimism is finally moving up the scale into positive values.