Wednesday 6 July 2011

Norwegian Blues?


This is a dead blog. It is no more. etc. Or is it? I haven't blogged for a couple of years, and can't say that I've missed it. I suppose that you only have so much time to spend tippety tapping away at a keyboard, and the decline of my blog had been supplanted by an increased presence on twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn et al. But perhaps things have come full circle - I now find myself on Facebook and twitter less and less, and I still think that there should be a little corner of the internet that you can feel comfortable in, a place where you can bare your soul, scream into the void and care not a jot whether someone "likes" it. So here it is - not dead, but risen again.

So, taking off my shoes and wiggling my toes in a strictly metaphorical way, here I am. It's been a strange experience visiting a dead blog; not to mention the fact that I couldn't remember the address, the password, or which of my four email accounts I used to create it. But the very act of revisiting previous states of mind leaves you with an odd feeling, a sort of emotional hangover. You remember he emotions, some clearly, some less so, and there is a resonance with those emotions that are strong today. It's an interesting experience, reviewing these little emotional shapshots, and the temptation is to hold them up against the present day and see what's changed. Whilst I am known near and far as someone who finds it easy to resist temptation, on this occasion, I don't think that I will.

So who was I two years ago? Two years ago I was living in a state of flux, starting new projects, discarding others, and feeling cautiously optimistic about the future. Now, one of those projects has paid me for the last two years, and looks close to bearing fruit. Strange then that I should feel less optimistic when I have more reason to believe that the future holds good things. Perhaps this is the little voice inside me that secretly believes that all will turn to ordure, and that I am always destined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory? Perhaps it is just that the stakes are so much higher now?

The black dogs of depression were very much a part of my life two years ago, and it's fair to say that it's probably something that will never be fully banished - I still have bad days when I wish that I could fold in on myself like a little origami man, but most of the time I can remember that I have good days too.

Two years ago I was getting very cross trying to give up smoking (and failing). Today I am just getting very cross.

Two years ago I blogged. Today I blogged.

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