Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall

It is true that it has been some time since I put finger to keyboard and for that I apologise. Newsworthy events have been few and far between of late. Or so I have believed. Ennui has reared it's lethargic head and yawned at me. Work has become more of a chore than usual, and the excitement of the new has become the lassitude on the mundane. Starting projects is all well and good, but they need to be followed through and finished at some stage. I have become aware that I am good at starting fires, but bad at keeping them fed. Even so, I feel the urge to start something else now, something exciting, something rewarding, something fulfilling. And in a way, I have. But more of that later. All counselling is now finished, and it would be forgotten but for the fact that I had set a recurring alarm in Outlook and since all of my phones are synced, every week I get a reminder for an appointment that I no longer have. Strangely, I haven't deleted the appointment and I don't know why.. perhaps it's part of me saying "at least once a week you need to gaze upon your navel" perhaps I'm just lazy. Hmm. It's quite appropriate to be having these thoughts at a time when I've just talked myself out of a potentially lucrative contract - inside I'm shouting "take the fucking money you idiot!", but there was a conflict of interest with another client, and it didn't feel right to take the money when it could come back to bite me on the arse and besmirch my professional reputation. Easy come, easier fucking go.

Change is in the air at the moment - I smell woodsmoke, apple and blackberries, and everything tells me that I should be looking to the new. I think that it's something ingrained in me since school - new term, new year, new challenges. I always prided myself that I seemed to have a wellspring of ideas and creative solutions to problems, but now I realise that ideas are useless unless they are acted upon. Ideas are just dreams, until sweat and focus make them solid. I've been lacking sweat and focus. So I'm purposely denying myself the indulgence of dreaming up new schemes, new things to do, until I've put a few of the old ones in their place. So that is where I am - revisiting old ideas, assessing them and if they are still worthy, whipping them until they run or die.

In a related development, space has now been cleared in the garage for the next great project - getting my motorbike ready for next spring - good honest work. Work fit for a man. With a reward at the end. Operation Triumph is go!

Piss, vinegar and CJ Stone

Today I rediscovered an old friend. In a manner of speaking.. One of my favourite writers is a chap called CJ Stone. I first stumbled accross his writing in the guardian column "Housing Benefit Hill". Truth be told it was this column that confirmed me as a guardian reader, for a while. When the column ended (or was dropped, I'm not quite sure) the guardian seemed to lose a little bit of it's edge, an edge it hasn't really found since. I'm not saying that the guardian was defined by the column, but it was a good fit with the editorial style of the time, when there were not too many writers that had a good word to say about the miners, the travellers, the rave scene, reactionary legislation and all of the other things that were important to me at the time. Another thing that endeared me to his writing was a kind of attached detachment to the subjects he covered - yes, I know it's a poor description, but I can't do any better. It seemed that he was seeing the people and event through my eyes rather than his. Even now the writing reminds me of what we have lost in terms of political awareness and the willingness to protest and party. I'm older, I know, but I doubt that the generation behind me has as much of the piss and vinegar that we seemed to be full of. Or Shepherd Neame (meh, give me Theakstons any day). "Piss and vinegar? No thanks, I'll have a nice shiraz and a doobie thanks awfully."

Anyway, read his stuff. It's good. Fierce Dancing is a particularly good book, and if by any chance somebody is reading this thinking that they have a copy that I lent to them, I'd like it back. Either of them. That'll teach me to lend books after midnight.

Many boats, one river.

Sorry. It's not you, it's me. I haven't been taking this blogging thing seriously. I just needed a little space. But I'm back now. For better or for worse.

So what's been happening? Life. Like a boat trip, it moves on, it carries you along on the current, and you get to look at things from a different perspective every single minute. It's good that perspectives change - it says as much about the subject as the object that such a simple twist can create profound effects. It says to the soul "I change, you change, we all change." And not even god (intentional non-capitalisation) can control it. We can swim with the current, or against it but you have to acknowledge that it's there. Not that I'm saying swimming against the tide (so to speak) is a bad thing, far from it - it can be a noble, enriching, life defining action. To deny or oppose change is as valid as accepting it - it's just that you have to pick your battles.

So am I accepting it? Ask me tomorrow.

My perspective changed recently - slightly but perceptibly, and perhaps I am a little happier for seeing that he grass I always thought to be greener actually isn't... "Ha!" you say - he's just got round to counting his blessings..and well, yes I have. I have plenty of blessings - a fine and foxy missus, top kids, good friends, a roof over my head, food on the table, and a lot of toys.. But you don't appreciate these things until.... until.... well, in my case, until ................

The Buddha taught that this thirst grows from ignorance of the self. We go through life grabbing one thing after another to get a sense of security about ourselves. We attach not only to physical things, but also to ideas and opinions about ourselves and the world around us. Then we grow frustrated when the world doesn't behave the way we think it should and our lives don't conform to our expectations.

Thanks to PaintMonkey for reminding me about Buddhism in his blog.

Writing using definitions instead of words is hard.

In case that; granting or supposing that; on condition that the pronoun of the second person singular or plural, used of the person or persons being addressed, in the nominative or objective case, have or form in the mind as an idea, conception, (to indicate a person, thing, idea, state, event, time, remark, etc., as pointed out or present, mentioned before, supposed to be understood, or by way of emphasis) a large number, quantity, or amount of anything (used to indicate possession, connection, or association), of nonsense, falsehood drivel or the like (third person singular present indicative) of whatever or whichever it may be, satisfactory in quality, quantity or degree, then please have or form in the mind as an idea, conception in an additional case or instance furthermore, (a form of the possessive case of “I” used as an attributive adjective) person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

My beautifully cracked mirror. (Edit)

Don't think, just ***** eh? Don't think. Do not think. Think? No thanks. I don't think, thank you very much. Properly dresdenized as far as ************** is concerned. Black dogs ************ black mirrors. Razed and flattened. Crawling through the rubble. Look at my hands. ********* Oil and blood - very meta fucking ********. I can look in a million directions, but only follow one path. I am *********, but can't. Crawl on, that *****. ********* me over the top, whistle me down a wind. Blow baby blow. Exhale, inhale. And repeat. That's the ******, the secret, the ********* truth, the turd in the lucky dip. Creeping, ********* to the top of the rollercoaster. Struggling upwards. Screaming down. And repeat. In through the nose, out through the *********. Or vice-versa. Mind like a ransom note. ************ cut and pasted. Strings of plasticine squeezed together until they become one. One malleable *****. I wish my mind was a stainless ***** ****. "I ****"? WISH? If wishes were ****** I could remember the end of the saying. How fucking ********. Don't wish, just..... what? What? Children can wish *** * ****, but when you're ********** wishing is just ************ onanism. Turn on, tune in, and miss the ********. Miss it. Missed.Hey, the grass is greener **********? Always greener, softer, more **********, more fragrant and always where you're not. What sort of a ******* is that? **** the saying, **** the sentiment. Can you see? Can you? ********** is reflected on the back of my eye. In my ******. My beautifully cracked mirror. Be grateful **** ********, otherwise I might see things as they really are.

Well, it's a little shamefacedly that I return to the blog that has been so wantonly neglected for the last couple of weeks. Excuses? None. Sheer bloody laziness on my part. So what's new? Well, a few things actually...

1 Toys. Toys acquired include a new phone (bog standard Nokia 6500) which was ought from
Three so that I could get a broadband dongle for £4 a month. Whizzy it is. Simply plug it into yer lapdog, and bingo - t'interweb access wherever you go. Works pretty well too - all the drivers are pre-installed in it, so it really is plug and play. connection speed ain't broadband, but it's good enough. Top toy. Next new toy is a Mazda Bongo - following the untimely demise of our much loved campervan, Bluebell I decided to put all my eggs in one basket, and go for a "one vehicle solution" for the household. So farewell then Jeep, hello Billy Bongo. I'll post a pic as son as I get it - it's a fresh import from Japan, so it's taking a while to register it with the DVLA.

2 Jobs. I was about to say "it all seems to be going pretty well on the job front" but that seems like tempting fate, so let's say that it hasn't all turned to ordure yet. Consultancy is up to 3 days per week, bottles are coming along very slowly, and I seem to have over committed myself by agreeing to do some "sweat equity" work for a couple of startups. All of which means that I've been pretty flat out over the last couple of weeks.

3 Life. Life is good. Had a bit of a moan the other day when we were informed that the Levellers gig at Harewood House was cancelled, but then we were offered tickets to "A Beautiful Day Out" at Arley Hall, which means that not only do we get to see the Levellers, but also Seth Lakeman, Dreadzone, Chumbawumba and 3 Daft Monkeys. Result. Also had a top weekend on the boat, along the Leeds-Liverpool Canal to Dowley Gap, nice two day trip, nice pub, nice nosh, top one all round. (Apart from the puncture on the Jeep at 7pm on Sunday night when we were wanting to be getting home). Mucho looking forward to Thornborough Festival too.

4 Head. Not sure on this one, I've missed out on my last 2 counselling sessions, because of one thing or another, so I haven't had the time set aside to gaze into my navel - but on the sanity meter I must be doing pretty well - for the last couple of nights I've actually fallen asleep at night rather than dropped unconscious due to self medication. But overall I seem to be on an even keel at the moment.

5 Weirdness. Lots. Don't know if this is the time of year for it, but seems to all around - in my head and out of it. As an example, I woke this morning having had a very vivid dream about having to explain myself out of a tricky situation in the style of William Topaz McGonagall. What's that all about then? Eh?

6 Fashion. After a short but intriguing discussion with the PaintMonkey, I am decided to change my style. I think that I will be spending more time in the charity shops searching for the "Isembard Kingdom Brunel meets Edwardian Gentleman with a nod towards Steampunk" look.

What Ho!

Spaceman, I always wanted you to go into space man....

I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and as is my wont I cycled through the things that I think about in such situations, the mental comfort blankets that let me fall asleep......dependent upon my mood and state of mind the top three are:

1)Sex - obviously - no need to elaborate here.

2) Super powers - currently there are two super powers that I'd like to have - the first being ability to make people defecate at any time. This would be very amusing - I'm particularly thinking of politicians here, and would love to see how they react to suddenly full undercrackers in the middle of important speeches. However, it would also be fun simply walking down the street and picking a chav at random.... The second super power would be the ability to control the minds of other people - I would be the puppet master, dictating the thoughts, actions and emotions of everyone (Muahahahaha!!!!) As I write this, in my minds eye I see a psychologist stroking his goatee beard and muttering darkly... BTW, 5 extra house points if you know the classic science fiction book series that this is borrowed from.

3)Being a spaceman. The scenario is this: Somehow I have acquired a spaceship - old school 1950's style flying saucer. What I do next is: land the saucer on the lawn of the White House, erect a force field around it, and wait. When the worlds TV cameras and diplomats are in place, the ramp slowly descends... and out of the mist I walk slowly down the ramp onto the grass, unzip, and piss on the lawn. I then re-enter the spaceship and leave. There is a variant to this tableau, where I am joined by a bunch of friends (all suitably attired in retro spaceman chic), and we proceed to have a barbecue, get royally pissed, then leave.

That's about it really. I do feel strange blogging this - currently I have no idea if anybody else has these little pre-dreams, or how anyone else gets to sleep (passing out is always a good option). Do let me know that I'm not too weird.